I have started and deleted this sentence a dozen times. I don’t know how to start this. How to put into words the last few months.
It’s like I have two conflicting emotions and I have to wade through each of those. Sit with the good, confront the bad and begin to live in this foreign space.
the good:
I know my dad. Not only do I know him, we had an instant connection. We talk, we hug, we laugh. We share the same blue eyes and a love of vodka. My dad is married with two daughters. His wife and girls have welcomed me into their home with warm hearts and open arms. His parents are still alive, as per their request I will call them Nana and Daddy Tom.
This family…My Family…their love is limitless for me. It’s not fake, it’s not for show, it’s real…solid…intense.
the bad:
I have to confront a childhood that I now know as an adult taught me a lot of the wrong things about myself.
The little girl in me is screaming, warning me that this is short lived. Begging me to keep my distance. That same girl wants to sit in the pain of my past use it as an excuse to paralyze me.
It’s been a long time since I have had to sit with the baggage of my past.
You see…
A long long long time ago I purchased this Persian Rug and slowly as each crazy thought or paralyzing emotion would surface I gently tucked each of those emotions under my rug. Every now and then the rug will shift and a few of those emotions will escape. I confront them, adjust the rug, slide them under and move on.
As I sit with my thoughts, I wonder if I have ever really truly confronted the dad stuff. I have always been honest about my situation but honest about how I felt, maybe not.
All I know for certain is in this moment, I want receive all the love that I am given and I want to requite the love and kindness given to me. In order to that, I have to acknowledge that the good and the bad exist. Confront the bad & accept the good. When each moment arises, gasp for the air that consumes me…
breathe in, breathe out, and be present.
Summer Rae
Be Here Now 